Why am I so worried about what the point in being alive is?
I don't know if its two years of pandemic, ongoing war, clinical depression or too much time spent scrolling through existential memes for nihilistic teens, but I've spent a lot of time wondering what the purpose of being alive is.
From extensively googling 'what is the point of anything? ' and 'why am I alive? ' I think I've worked out the only reason there really is for being alive - it's an extremely difficult reason, but one that, if achieved, would leave you in a circumstance where you don't even worry about why you're alive or what the point of everything is; you won't even care if there's no reason for anything.
And, to be honest, the way I found this was through a response to this very question on quora that compared the question 'what's the point in being alive? ' to 'what's the point in eating cake? ' (so fair warning alert for a tenuous metaphor coming your way).
When you're eating cake you don't think, what's the point in eating it, it's all going to be over soon??
You don't finish it and think it was a waste of time because it's gone now. When you're eating cake all you think about is that you're enjoying eating cake... assuming it's good cake... And why waste your time on anything less than good cake?
So why not view life the same way, spend your life enjoying it and then you won't even need to question what the point in living it is.
And don't waste your time on anything less than a life that's enjoyable.
Now that sounds really obvious but, for real, enjoying life in a capitalist, apocalyptic society that values so called productivity over any form of happiness is pretty hard.
How many of us really set a goal to just enjoy life? And how do you even go about doing it - genuine Q, asking for my best friend which is me.
For me, my goals have always been based on externally defined success. They've been to ace an exam, to get into uni, to get a job, to succeed in my job, to get a good bonus, to have glowing skin, to be considered conventially attractive, to have external recognition that I am someone who is doing life well - to somehow trick people into thinking that I am a fully functioning human being.
This year, after two years of the pandemic just truly shitting all over my mental health and after finally finishing exams after over a decade of them, I decided my goal for 2022 was to just enjoy life.
And that's honestly the hardest goal I've ever set for myself.
Can I meet my new one true goal and still meet my old superficial goals of having money, beauty, recognition in my career? Or are those goals even that superficial given the way our society is set up - do I need to meet them to function in this world?
The times I worry the most about what the point in anything is can be during work, when I'm giving myself regular panic attacks stressing about things that are fundamentally completely meaningless (and don't get me wrong, I like my job and genuinely feel like some of the work I do is meaningful and even enjoyable... But when the goal is around money and progression rather than enjoyment, I spend so much time worrying about whether I'm going to achieve it, that I end up completely making myself miserable).
The other day I sat in a webinar from an investment manager (random side tangent alert) which was all about the Russia / Ukraine crisis... And its impact on financial markets.
The session opened as follows:
'We are really saddened to hear about the current situation in Ukraine, this is ultimately a human issue. But our job is to ensure our clients' assets are safe, so today we'll be talking about the impact of the crisis on financial markets...'.
... Followed with an hour of how this crisis is affecting different sectors of stock markets, credit markets, inflation, interest rates and much more.
Now they're not wrong, in the industry I work in, our job is to look after our clients' money.
But that was the problem for me - it was that in a time of such devastating human events, my job is to care more about its impact on interest rates than its impact on actual people.
What does that say about me, and what I'm doing with my life? And why does no one else I work with seem bothered by this?
Am I being completely irrational or overly sensitive - yes, probably, given that I usually am, but equally, is everyone else just desensitised?
Do we spend so much time thinking about assets that we forget that all this stuff affects real people's every day lives too?
I've taken the decision to avoid engaging with market commentary around the current crisis because to be honest, it makes me really sad - but that's not a smart option career wise when all my colleagues and clients are talking about it.
But if my goal is to enjoy life and try to achieve this mystical thing called happiness, then why should I care - why does it seem so radical to prioritise not being miserable over being conventially successful?
I can tell when I've really lost sight of the point of living when I can no longer imagine myself in any sort of future.
That probably sounds more dramatic that it is, but I'm someone that spends a lot of time day dreaming - when I'm bored I like to zone out and imagine things as simple as me being able to sit in my garden on a sunny day without three jumpers and two blankets on. I think about holidays I have planned and imagine myself just chilling on the beach reading a book. I think about the cake I'm going to get myself for my next birthday.
Because when I think about times where I've truly just enjoyed life, where I haven't worried about what the point in it all is, it's times like that - it's spending time with my loved ones, eating delicious meals, being in the sunshine or on holiday. But it's also having routine to my life, not worrying about money, knowing that I'm able to support myself and provide for myself.
Because you can't even start thinking about living, or what the point in it is, until you are surviving. For so many people who cannot meet their basic needs of shelter, nutrition and safety, they do not have the privilege of whining on the least viewed blog in history about what the point in being alive is.
But you know what, today (much like every day) I'm being a self indulgent narcissist and I'm fine with it.
When I'm really in the deepest pits of an existential crisis, I can't imagine any of it.. I can't get my head around the thought of the future.
So how do I make sure I don't get there?
I honestly don't know.
I think enjoying life is a difficult, really quite radical act. I don't think I've ever been taught that it's something I should aim for and I almost feel guilty for setting that as my top goal.
But I've realised if I don't, no matter how much therapy I do or how many antidepressants I take, I simply cannot live my life.
I am infinitely envious of people who don't spend all their time worrying about what the point in life is - how do people just live?! And like that's it, no dread, no depression, no confusion over the point of it all. What is their secret? How have they worked out how to just enjoy life - what have they done, or perhaps what haven't they, to get there?
Ive tried googling it, posting polls on Instagram, even asking jeeves and I've had no luck.
So if anyone can help a gal out and answer the super easy questions which are 'What is the meaning of life?' and 'How do you achieve happiness?' that would be dreamy.
So far, all I know is it involves getting rid of societal expectations...
..And also cake, plenty of really good cake.